Deep breath.

Just start. 

Questions swirl through my mind like a tempest. Is this the right path? Am I deluding myself? Am I wasting time? What if i fail this like I have most things in my life? What will people think of me? It's always a deluge. This cacophony I have learned to tame, sometimes. Other times it overtakes and causes the spiral again. This ebb and flow is a constant companion. 

It caused me to spend a large chunk of my adulthood ignoring my life. I let my trauma and the narratives placed upon me rule my day to day, even if I didn't consciously know that's what it was. If i didn't make waves, if i was easygoing, if i left no footprint, I wouldn't invoke the ire of those that bore the weight of my existence. My disabilities would not be as heavy for them to help me bear. I hid. For almost a decade I drowned myself in content, stimuli, anything to avoid having to look at my own thoughts, my own actions and inactions. I suffocated under the weight of everything.

Coming to grips with entering middle age is difficult. It's even worse coming into it being chronically unemployed due to factors out of one's control, and having dropped out of college several times despite desperately wanting to complete a degree, with no prospects and no hope on the horizon. My failed attempts to achieve the same milestones as my peers stare at me like gravestones: cold, unflinching, with not a word to share but all the gravity of the judgment present anyway, and I was their tender. These failures reinforced that it was trivial to pursue my dreams. They felt.. childish. Too far gone, locked to a time I was not able to value. I already wasted all this time, attempting and failing. Spinning my wheels and then spinning out. 

As my stepfather used to repeat to me ad nauseum: "What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." His perfectionism, his judgment, and the absence and flakiness of my biological father taught me to never start, never show up. If i decided to start something? To be present? Then it must be perfect. Their rage combined turned me into a person doomed to fail. And failed spectacularly, I have.

When all you do is fail, what is the point of trying? Wouldn't the natural progression be to reduce yourself to nothing? To eliminate your impact?

What is a life if you do not leave a mark?
How does minimizing every aspect of my life serve me?

It doesn't.
It serves them.
I HATE serving them.

The structures they built over my life, they were suffocating, unflinching, and inflexible. Build upon generational trauma and a fundamental misunderstanding of themselves and myself. But upon seeing my light? They decided to smother it instead of be threatened with looking upon themselves. And it worked for a long time. I repeated the legacies dutifully, subconsciously, for 33 years of my life. It took a lifeline of friends making me question why I was content with this nothingness for me to start seeing this shoddily built castle atop me.

How old would I be if i bit the bullet and chased those dreams? Achieved my lofty goals?
The same age I would be if i didn't.

So, I breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe. 

And I begin the work of tearing down the old way and building life I desire.

If you are here, then I hope that me sharing my musings with you helps you connect with your inner self. That I may inspire you to take action to respecting and honoring your personal dignity, and to tell you that you hold capacity, you have the strength, the fortitude, all of the doing words needed to transform your life for the better.

We have so much more power over our realities than the world would have us think. But the building of our power is a slow and steady process. Brick by brick, step by step. It is not a sprint, but a marathon. In every commitment you honor to yourself - no matter how small - you build that muscle stronger. Over time, you will go from lifting a pebble to shifting mountains, though when the latter happens it will surprise you you even got there at all. 

I can tell you improvement, growth, healing is all within your grasp. Manifestation of your goals may not appear the way you wish in your head, but you may get closer to that bullseye than you believe. But manifestation without action is simply wishful thinking. 

You must begin. Let's begin together.